Family Service Agency of Marin

In 1991, my daughter Paula fell in a coma in Madrid and, due to a series of unfortunate circumstances and neglect in the hospital, she ended up with severe brain damage. I was able to bring her to our house in California, where she died a year later in the arms of her family. She was only twenty-eight years old, a lovely and graceful young woman. During those months of agony at her bedside and the following year of grieving, everything stopped for me. There was nothing to do, just cry and remember. Her illness gave me an opportunity to reflect upon my journey and the principles that hold me together.

Paula was a wise soul. I trusted her judgment and when in doubt I would go to her for advice. She would listen to me attentively and often her advice came in the form of a single question: “What is the most generous thing to do in this case, mother?” And the most generous thing to do is the best course of action in most situations. Paralyzed and silent in her bed, Paula taught me a lesson that is now my mantra: You only have what you give. It’s by spending yourself that you become rich. Paula led a life of service. She worked helping destitute women and children, eight hours a day, six days a week. She never had any money, but she needed very little. When she died she had nothing and she needed nothing.

The pain of losing my child has been a cleansing experience. I had to throw overboard all excess baggage and keep only what is essential. Because of Paula, I don’t cling to anything anymore. Now I like to give much more than to receive, to love more than to be loved. I adore my husband, my son, my grandchildren, my parents, and my dog, but frankly I don’t know if they even like me. Who cares? Loving them is my joy. Give. What is the point of having experience, stories or money if I don’t share it with others? I can’t be cremated with any of it!

It is in giving that I sense the spirit of my daughter like a comforting presence. And that is why after her death I created a Foundation to continue the work she was doing: empowerment of women and protection of children. Twice a year, when I sign the checks for grants, the awards and scholarships of the Foundation, I do a little ceremony: I light a candle in front of Paula’s picture, and I say a prayer of gratitude for all I have received in this life and for the opportunity of sharing my resources. I imagine that somewhere in another dimension Paula’s spirit smiles.